Back in the groove

So I've been pretty quiet the last few days...sorry...sometimes life happens and I just dont have time to put anything down on "paper".  Its been a whirlwind of feelings, emotions, thoughts, activity, work, and oh gosh....everything.  So...I'll try to briefly update ya!

I have been attending OA meetings online and have found a sponsor to work with.  It has really become evident to me that my thoughts and feelings are what gets me in trouble and I use food as a way to cope rather than use other tools, that I have had for years, but always just used those tools in regards to my recovery from alcoholism.  I am 14 days into my abstinence and I have to say that it has only been in the last couple of days that my head has not been focused on food all day long!  Now I know that OA is not the way for everyone and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you HAVE to use OA to recover from compulsive overeating and/or food addiction, but this is what is working for me.  I am finding some of the "why's" that explain my food behavior and I'm grateful for that.  To date, I have lost 4 pounds in the last 14 days.

I've had lots of changes happening at work and have had a huge, did I say HUGE, success at work on a project that I have been developing for the last 3 years.  Almost feels like I have birthed a baby....its been a long time in the "baking" and when things finally fell into place and happened last week, the sense of accomplishment was incredible.  With the first success under my belt, I'm already looking at #2.  <No, I'm not going to go into great detail here as I dont want to jeopardize my job, but those of you who know what I have been working on know how big this is to me and ultimately to those who's lives are impacted by this project.  Those of you who don't know...let me just say that I get to be on the ground floor of a program that is making a tremendous impact in the lives of others and it is ALL GOOD!!>

Kids are all doing well.  My son who was in the accident has one more surgery this week to remove the rest of the plastic tubing that is hanging out of him.  Talk about major miracle!!  We are so grateful to God for the miracle of his recovery.  Other kids are doing well and we are on the brink of a couple of major birthdays.  One grandbaby will be 2 on Thanksgiving Day and another will be 1 on December 28th.  God I love being a Nana!

Ok...gonna go.  Have been dealing with some major hip/back pain lately and am trying to take better care of myself.  There are things on the brink over the next few weeks that may be life changers, so if you are so inclined, please keep me in positive thought.

Thought I would also just publish a quick yummo recipe every now and then so you see what I do at times.  This is a protein shake that was inspired by a latte I got when I was traveling with Ray last summer.

Kyle's Huckelberry Heaven Protein Shake
2 scoops vanilla protein powder
2 oz SF white chocolate syrup
2 oz SF salted caramel syrup
3 oz SF huckelberry syrup

Shake like crazy and pour over ice.  MMMMMMMM.....syrup amounts can vary depending on your own taste.

Alright....you all be good to eachother...and yourselves.
Blessings
Kyle

BAM---IN MY FACE!

So, I had a great weekend...did you?  I got to go to Tucson and spend time with some fellowship friends and be of service.  It is one of the things that I am so grateful that I "get" to do now days.  If I were drinking, drugging, or otherwise engaging in massively horrible things, I wouldn't be alive to "get" to do this stuff....hence why I love that I "get" to do these trips and spend time being of service to others.

Got home on Sunday evening, tired and tired could be.  Got something to eat and went to bed.  Woke up this morning and BAM...FOOD ADDICTION IN MY FACE!.  Wow!  I thought about the "sneaky eating" I did over the weekend and all the trigger foods I have in my house and OMG....my head about exploded!  I just joined (was invited by a sweet friend who is just the best) a facebook group that is forming that is full of food addicted folks who are involved with OA (Overeaters Anonymous).  Now, I have done OA in the past and I guess i wasnt ready cause all I heard was "dont eat this and dont eat that" and I said "dont need you" and left.  (Several years ago!).  However, today...I need help.  I am facing some stuff that I never thought I would ever be able to face.  Maybe it is because I now am trusting in God like never before...cause I cannot do this without his help!

So...what have I done?  I have thrown out what I know is my trigger foods.  I have attended 1 OA online meeting and will be attending another soon.  I emailed the online group's intergroup and requested a sponsor list.  I have ordered the OA literature (They have some of their own and they use AA literature as well, which I have).  I know how this works from the AA standpoint....but I know that I cannot do this on my own.  So....I have less than 24 hours of abstinence.  I'm scared as hell!

Blessings
Kyle

BMR, RMR, BMI....and a partridge in a pear tree....

So...I saw an article in one of the online sites I use to track my food and such (LoseIt...I signed up for that one through a work challenge that I am starting) and read about Basal Metabolic Rate and that in order to lose weight, one needs to at least eat enough calories to meet that BMR because eating lower than that will throw your body into starvation mode.  Well, I know that not eating enough will do that but when I did the calculator, I about fell over!  I'll show you why:

Calculator Status:

Calculator:  BMR & RMR Next:  Make another calculation or click on Calculators.

 BMR & RMR Results:

The results of your calculations are:  BMR 1,627   RMR 1,564 (calories)

For an explanation of BMR and RMR and important notes on the accuracy of these calculations, see Calculating BMR and RMR. We also explain why RMR is likely to be more appropriate for your needs.

As BMR and RMR only represent resting energy expenditure or calories burned during a day of rest, an adjustment must be made to reflect activity level. This can be done by multiplying by an activity factor:

Factor    Category                Definition                               BMR      RMR   1.2 Sedentary Little or no exercise and desk 1,952 1,877 job 1.375 Lightly Active Light exercise or sports 1-3 2,237 2,151 days a week 1.55 Moderately Active Moderate exercise or sports 2,522 2,424 3-5 days a week 1.725 Very Active Hard exercise or sports 6-7 2,807 2,698 days a week 1.9 Extremely Active Hard daily exercise or sports 3,091 2,972 and physical job Source: http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.php Um....OH MY GOD!!! How in Gods name am I going to eat THAT much food!  I know that at pre-surgery I could eat that no sweat....and I wasn't sweating, therefore intake lots, expend little....gain weight.  BUT, now I usually get in 1200 or so calories and that apparently is below my BMR and RMR.....so is my body in starvation mode??  Could even my exercise with the lower calorie amount keep me somewhat in starvation mode, thereby keeping me from actually losing my regain weight??  Could it truly be as simple as making different food choices to increase the calorie count in order to get my body to respond the way I want it to? So that is what my head went into when I first saw these stats.  After chewing on this for a couple of days and getting some much needed advice from others in my WLS world, I have come to realize that it truly is the QUALITY of the food and not the QUANTITY of the food that is at stake here.  Add a little avacado....cook with higher quality oil....all that stuff that "they" teach us, really is what needs to happen....not what my food addicted head says. (I heard muffins, cookies, chocolate...those could up the calorie count!). Well....here we go....doing some more research.  I'm curious what others out there have experienced.  Have you had your BMR/RMR tested?  What do you think?? Blessings! Kyle

Back to Basics and Blog Support

Just a quick post to let folks know that I am going to be starting a new challenge on Facebook called The Back to Basics-Transformation Academy.  It is a 40 day challenge that helps to really get folks back to the basics of what they need to do to regain healthy habits.  It is not a mandated "you must eat this" site, but it really helps with accountability.  My hope is to use this blog as sort of a journal of that journey, as well as an education piece to help share recovery.  As you have already seen, I have had ups and downs, especially in the last few weeks....but this is what life is all about.  Recovery is the process of dealing with those ups and downs without using whatever I am addicted to in order to cope.  I have really learned how to not use alcohol and other drugs, but food has been my biggest battle.  So, I'm doing some thing different and hope that my journey helps others.

I have started to work on listing companies that I have supported and that have supported me along my journey.  If you are so inclined to click on those links and support those companies, I will earn a small commission for the sale.  I have decided that this is going to help me fund my desire to have plastic surgery at some point-provided I get to the plastic surgeon's goal weight that is required for me to get to have plastics.  Any support is greatly appreciated.  If you dont want to...or you already support another blogger...by all means, continue what you do.

Blessings!
Kyle

Food Addiction Education

How about a little education about Food Addiction.  Something that I find very helpful when following blogs is the education that I get.  Sometimes it is hard to find credible information, so I will try to make sure that everything I post I vet to ensure it is accurate. I found this on WebMD and it is a pretty good article.

The idea that a person can be addicted to food has recently gotten more support from science.

Experiments in animals and humans show that, for some people, the same reward and pleasure centers of the brain that are triggered by addictive drugs like cocaineand heroin are also activated by food, especially highly palatable foods. Highly palatable foods are foods rich in:

• Sugar
• Fat
• Salt

Like addictive drugs, highly palatable foods trigger feel-good brain chemicals such as dopamine. Once people experience pleasure associated with increased dopamine transmission in the brain's reward pathway from eating certain foods, they quickly feel the need to eat again.

The reward signals from highly palatable foods may override other signals of fullness and satisfaction. As a result, people keep eating, even when they're not hungry.

People who show signs of food addiction may also develop a tolerance to food. They eat more and more, only to find that food satisfies them less and less.

Scientists believe that food addiction may play an important role in obesity. But normal-weight people may also struggle with food addiction. Their bodies may simply be genetically programmed to better handle the extra calories they take in. Or they may increase their physical activity to compensate for overeating.

People who are addicted to food will continue to eat despite negative consequences, such as weight gain or damaged relationships. And like people who are addicted to drugs or gambling, people who are addicted to food will have trouble stopping their behavior, even if they want to or have tried many times to cut back.

Signs of Food Addiction

Researchers at Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Science & Policy have developed a questionnaire to identify people with food addictions.

Here's a sample of questions that can help determine if you have a food addiction. Do these actions apply to you? Do you:

• End up eating more than planned when you start eating certain foods
• Keep eating certain foods even if you're no longer hungry
• Eat to the point of feeling ill
• Worry about not eating certain types of foods or worry about cutting down on certain types of foods
• When certain foods aren't available, go out of your way to obtain them

The questionnaire also asks about the impact of your relationship with food on your personal life. Do these situations apply to you:

• You eat certain foods so often or in such large amounts that you start eating food instead of working, spending time with the family, or doing recreational activities.
• You avoid professional or social situations where certain foods are available because of fear of overeating.
• You have problems functioning effectively at your job or school because of food and eating.

The questionnaire asks about withdrawal symptoms. For example, when you cut down on certain foods (excluding caffeinated beverages), do you have symptoms such as:

• Anxiety
• Agitation
• Other physical symptoms

The questionnaire also tries to gauge the impact of food decisions on your emotions. Do these situations apply to you?

• Eating food causes problems such as depression, anxiety, self-loathing, or guilt.
• You need to eat more and more food to reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure.
• Eating the same amount of food doesn't reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure the way it used to.

  Help for Food Addiction

  Science is still working to understand and find treatments for food addiction.
  Some argue that recovery from food addiction may be more complicated than recovery from other kinds of addictions. Alcoholics, for example, can ultimately abstain from drinking alcohol. But people who are addicted to food still need to eat.
  A nutritionist, psychologist, or doctor who is educated about food addiction may be able to help you break the cycle of compulsive eating.
  There are also a growing number of programs that help people who are addicted to food. Some, like Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, are based on the 12-step program that has helped many people addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling.
  Others, like Food Addicts Anonymous, use the principles of the 12-step program along with strict diets that require people to abstain from problem ingredients, like sugar, refined flour, and wheat.
  Source:  http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-food-addiction

My head...the Enemy!

Here is what I know:

1.  I have come a long way since I got sober 21+ years ago.
2.  I have come a long way since I had my surgery almost 4 years ago.
3.  While I never made it to "my" WLS goal, I have lost 75+ pounds. (Surgeon never gave me a # to hit).
4.  I no longer have diabetes, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure.
5.  My rings had to be resized once already, and may have to resize them again.
6.  I still go to the "big girls" section in stores and have to remind myself that those sizes are too big!
7.  My shoe size went from 9 to 7.5/8, depending on the shoe.
8.  My husband can pick me up!
9.  I know that all of this makes me a successful WLS patient.
10.  My head still tells me I'm a failure cause I never made it to "my" goal...even when the surgeon tells me that I am one of his success stories.

My Head is my Enemy!!

So...what needs to happen here?  My head needs an adjustment!!!  WLS is NOT a quick fix nor the easy way to reduce body weight.  Anyone who tries to tell me that it was the easy way out, I literally want to just give them a whack!  Having surgery is NEVER easy and this is major surgery that is full of risk.  Yes, in the beginning, the weight literally falls off.  Every single day I got on the scale and celebrated the pounds that were just melting away.  But over time, the scale slows down and eventually, for me....stopped, and then started to go back up.  The "honeymoon" period ended and I realized that, while I had made many changes in my life related to the surgery, and had learned a great deal....my BRAIN was still my enemy.  My brain will tell me that "one bite wont hurt", and "just a little"....when the addiction will then kick in and I can't stop.  Ever eat only ONE red vine??  Me neither!

SO.....what do I have to do in order to continue to recover from this?  Take it a day at a time!  My sober sisters wrote up some affirmations for me a few months ago and I need to read them again.  I need to remember that the number on the scale does not define me.  I need to remember that I dont have to take insulin, or a handful of prescribed medications (just a handful of vitamins!).  I need to remember that different sizes of clothes are related to the cut and style of the item, not my worth.  I need to remember that if God brings me to it...God will bring me through it.  I learned that in a huge way this month...I need to never forget it.

What do you struggle with?  What does your addiction tell you?  How do you find YOUR solutions?
Blessings!

Products that I Use in my Journey

There are tons of blogs and websites out there that have gobs of lists of products and companies that provide WLS friendly things from vitamins to bars to protein powder to cereal and everything in between.  I do support lots of those companies, so once I get it figured out, I'm going to have another page on here with links to those companies and may even give some product reviews.  Stay tuned....

A Solution?

Well...I sit here today on a Friday after work thinking about the whirlwind of a month that it has been.  I also think about how I have managed my food, activity, and life.  See, addiction feeds off of emotion.  When the emotion is out of whack, it is hard to manage the addiction. WLS can also change things up, which I have experienced, cause when the addiction wants you to eat, sometimes the pouch doesnt and wont accept anything in it!  So is there some type of a solution to this whole food addiction thing?  What has gotten me through everything else this month?  Lets back up a bit and fill you in on where I have been.

I got to take a wonderful vacation the last 2 weeks of July.  My husband, who is an over the road truck driver, chauffeured me around the country in his truck and had the time of our lives.  We logged about 5000 miles and 16 states in that 2 week period of time and I took over 750 pictures.  I watched my food as normal, did lots of walking in the truck stops, and managed to not gain or lose any weight.  I thought I had lost 5 pounds, but truck stop scales in the bathrooms apparently are not that reliable.  I was very grateful to get home and find out, though, that I had maintained.  There was no stress, no worry.  We had a ball.  Got home and started to get back into the swing of life..... and then we got the call....the call that no parent ever wants to have.  The call that can change the course of your life.

2 hours after getting home from having some outpatient surgery (had a lump removed from the back of my neck...no, not cancerous...just a lypoma that was growing and needed to come out), my husband called.  He had gotten a call from an ER nurse in Springfield MO telling him that our son, who was only 18 (the youngest of our 4 sons), had been in a major car accident, was on his way to CT, but there was no other information.  Because of what I do for a living, I called the ER to find out what exactly was going on and to try to be the go-between since hubster was driving.  He at the same time was talking to his dispatcher about how to get a load swap so that he could get to Springfield. (He was coming back to AZ from Denver when we got the call).  When I called the ER, the nurse told me that our son was out of CT, but waiting on the doctor to see the report.  I left my number and asked them to call me as soon as they know something.  Not 10 minutes later, hubster called and said he gave verbal consent for emergency surgery, and that they didn't know what all was going on, but there was internal bleeding and he was having a hard time breathing.

My heart exploded into terror.  No parent should ever have to face the possibility of losing a child.  Once he was out of surgery, the diagnosis included:  ruptured and removed spleen, severe grade 4 liver lacerations which had to be packed to control the bleeding, cracked ribs and punctured right lung, and severe bruising of both lungs, bruises to his arms and legs, some road rash on his back, and a scalp laceration.  He was on a vent and moved to the Neuro Trauma ICU at Cos South Hospital.  Now mind you, as a long term care case manager, my head immediately went to.....long term care!  Not knowing the extent of any brain injury really screws with one's thinking cause I was already trying to figure out how we were going to care for him over the long haul...provided he survived.  He was listed in extremely critical condition.

I'm not going to detail out the entire 20 days he was in the hospital, but I will tell you that the end of the story, at least at this point, is that he not only survived, he has not exhibited any brain trauma or cognitive impariment, and as of today is recovering at home with his new fiance.  Truly, this is God's handiwork!  What I am going to share is what happened with my head related to my food addiction.

 I wanted to eat....everything in sight!  My pouch, on the other hand, would not allow anything in it!  Sometimes I get this crazy thing I call "small pouch syndrome" where I try to put something in it and my pouch says "OH HELL NO!" and seemingly closes up to anything in it.  I can drink water and I can get in protein shakes (very slowly, thought), but food is a no no.  Well, in the beginning of this ordeal, that is where I was.  Once I was able to get to Springfield, I knew that I had to eat and the food started to stay in better, but not in the quantities that my head wanted.  Thank you restriction!  So the end result, after I got home was I did not gain anything while I was there, but my head was in a whirlwind!  My head said, I need to eat to calm down, I need something outside of myself to sooth my aching soul.....and I think that one thing that helped me to not cave was the overwhelming need to just stay in the hospital room with him.  I prayed....oh how I prayed.  I didn't pray for my food addiction to go away...I was too focused on my son....but oh how I prayed.  Today I truly believe that God is who saved my son and who has healed him.....and today I am betting that if I give my food addiction to God, just like I did with my alcoholism, just like I did with my son...perhaps, I won't struggle so damn hard with it.

That my friends.....is the thought for the day!
Blessings!

What the heck is Food Addiction anyways??

So, it has been almost 24 hours since I started this and the sky has not fallen, so I think I'll be OK to keep going.  Lots of folks have asked me "Why are you bogging?" and "What are you going to talk about?".  Well, my friends, I think I'm doing this because.....I want to.....and writing is something I have not done in years.  I remember I used to write a journal and while that was a long time ago, I thought, why not?  And maybe while I'm writing and sharing, I can learn new stuff and help someone else.

So....Today's theme is going to be Food Addiction.  What the heck is that anyways?  We hear the terms in counseling settings, support groups, on the web...but what the heck?  Now I'm sure that there are going to be folks who know way more than I do who are going to be able to explain the actual biomechanics of the addicive process in our brains and how the neurotransmitters are affected by the different chemical processes that happen once they are triggered by certain other chemicals that is in the food...and on and on and on.  I do not doubt that there is science out there that has shown that the same type of process happens with food as happens with alcohol and other drugs.  I'm not going to go into that.  What I do know is that for me...in my own experience....food has been something that has soothed my soul, been my silent friend, boosted my mood, and then become my ultimate enemy.  Much in the same way that alcohol did.

12 step circles call addiction an illness.  Something that is both biological as well as mental/emotional/spiritual.  The biological part is that the body reacts differently for those who are addicted then those who aren't.  Its called an allergy.  Lets take strawberries, or nuts.  People who are allergic to those things have definite physical reactions, which could be life threatening.  For a food addict, there may or may not be a physical reaction right away, but because of the emotional stuff that goes on, eventually there is definite physical reaction.  Usually that is in the form of serious gut pain.  But lets go back to the person who is allergic to strawberries or nuts....when they figure out they are allergic to it, do they keep eating it??  I THINK NOT.  Generally speaking, someone who is allergic to the point that it could threaten their lives, has no problem staying away from that which could kill them.  With the food addict, though, its not like that.  The food addict has this mental compulsion that keeps that person eating even when they are screaming on the inside to stop.  There is a sense of absolute powerlessness and no control over being able to push that food away.  Another thing that will differentiate the food addict from the non-food addict......how often do you go to the store, swearing you are NOT going to go on a secret binge, you do really good through your shopping trip, but you keep walking by that one thing.....(recent experience was red vines)....and all of a sudden, you are in the car, opening up the package and eating what you can before you get home....hiding what you have bought, hoping no one will notice the bits of whatever in your teeth?  Or, you are trying to be so good, so you are buying all sorts of something that is "good for you", but instead of following the serving suggestion, you just can't stop and you keep eating it...telling yourself that its "OK" cause it is "good for you"?

Perhaps the need is emotional and once you start to eat something you start to actually have a definite mood shift...so you eat more of (insert food of choice here) to experience more of a mood shift.  And the cycle goes on and on only to get to a point where whatever it is that you eat to shift your mood doesn't do that anymore and instead of having a better mood, you start to actually hate who you are and who you have become.  Unfortunately, the cycle is in place and you don't really remember that whatever the food was didn't work anymore, so you try again another time only to have the rollercoaster start all over again.

So what makes this different from alcohol and drugs when it comes to the mental obsession?  We can live perfectly fine without alcohol and drugs.  We have to have food to survive.  So really the only way to recover from the food addiction is to have a new relationship with food.  We have to learn to eat to live rather than live to eat. (I know....cliche).  I have to say that if it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing about this topic, I wouldn't have had weight loss surgery, and I wouldn't be struggling with regain.

This has been my experience.  So this is where the journey begins.  I am Kyle and I am a food addict.

About Me

Well...I sit here tonight and have decided to give this blogging thing a try.  My life has been completely changed over the last few years since my surgery, and I think it is time to share my story.  My story is one of joy and sadness, ups and downs, triumphs and failure.  It has taken twists and turns that I never imagined it would, and today contains more hope then I ever dreamed it would.  I hope that through my sharing, others may also find hope in their journeys.

Some of the Basics

I am a 40's married mom of 4, grandmother of 4, daughter, sister, and friend.  I live in a semi-rural city in Northern Arizona, and am one of the few natives of my home town that have left and come back.  I have been married 3 times, divorced twice, moved several times, and finally feel like my family has settled.  I have an amazing career where I get to help others and, while it was not what I thought I would be doing when I was growing up, it is the most amazing and fulfilling job I think that I could do.

Pre-WLS

I have never known, in my entire life from early childhood on up, how to live a healthy life.  I was an overweight child, a severely overweight teen, and grew into an obese woman.  By the time I had my first child at age 19, I weighed 190 pounds.  My weight just went up from there.  I lived my life feeding my soul with food.  I am a food addict.  (Thats hard to write and not hit the delete button!).  

I grew up in a home with a mother who was very loving and nurturing, but a biological father who abandoned me before I was born and a step father who abused me as a teenager.  I have never had a positive self image or outlook of myself.  I was the kid that had the buck teeth, coke bottle bottom glasses and handmade clothes.  I was the kid that was clumsy and who was easily hurt.  I learned to lie to make myself seem like I was someone else just to try to make a friend.  I had no friends until I was in the 6th grade...and that friend became my friend out of pity because I had no friends and she felt like I needed one, which I desperately did.  I was the kid that walked into school, and had to look on her seat every morning to see if there was a tack on it.  I was the kid that was picked last for every single team thing.  

Food was my friend for many years.  It fed my soul, gave me something to do, and did for me what I could not do for myself.  I ate when I was sad, happy, lonely, bored.  Looking back it seems like I was somehow hardwired for obesity because I never had that "full" feeling, or "stop" button.  I think my mom had an idea that I had a problem, though.  She enrolled me in weight management programs and counseling, had me following the diets she would try, but her attempts to help me were met with the feelings of not being good enough and feeling less than.  It wasn't her fault, it just was what it was.

As a teenager, my world crumbled even more.  I became the victim of sexual abuse in my home.  I had no control and was being abused in a place where I had no way of getting out or getting help.  I lived in a country where it was acceptable (no...not the US, and I'm not going to share where as I don't want to start a firestorm).  Food was no longer enough for me and I found alcohol.  Alcohol became something that took away the pain, helped me not to remember what was going on, and gave me the courage to try to fit in with others.  I became an alcoholic.  I don't believe that I was born an alcoholic, but when I started to drink an alcoholic was born.  I drank because I loved the effect that was produced by alcohol.  I was 12 when I started to drink and it did not take long before I was doing whatever I needed to do to drink.  I didn't know that I was becoming alcoholic, I just knew that it was doing for me what nothing else could do.  

Upon returning to the US, the abuse stopped, but the feelings did not.  I drank more, got involved in other things, met people that were not good for me, and got in trouble.  I was in and out of abusive situations and in and out of trouble.  My mom didn't know what to do for me....no one knew what was going on in my head and my heart.  When I was 17, I attended my first 12 step meeting, and while I didn't sober up then, it was a start.  I met and married my first husband when I was 18 and had my first child shortly after.  That relationship ended due to his abuse and while I was in the process of my divorce, met my second husband.  I was remarried shortly after my divorce was final, and had 2 more children by the time I was 21.  I didn't drink until my last pregnancy but didn't believe that I was alcoholic and drank during my 3rd pregnancy.  It was during that pregnancy that I hit my bottom with alcohol and when I was 21, I got sober.  By the grace of God, I have stayed sober since then.

Once I sobered up, I didnt have alcohol to turn to anymore....so food became my solace again.  Over the course of my 2nd marriage which lasted 11 years, I continued to gain and lose weight through yo yo dieting.  I was in an abusive marriage, but continued to have blinders on because I was so entrenched in my food addictions.  After 11 years of this, I finished my BA in Psychology, and made the decision that I had to change my life.  I ended that marriage and started on a new path.  I got a new job (which I have today), moved from where I was living back to my home town, and started to get my world put back together.  I met my 3rd husband and we were married a year later.  Unfortunatley, even though most of my world was amazing, my food addiction-and my health-were out of control.

I had developed diabetes and my blood sugars were HORRIBLE.  I ended up on an insulin pump because I just could not manage my food.  With the addition of insulin, I gained 40 pounds in what seemed like nothing flat.  I developed high cholesterol, high blood pressure, I got boils all the time on my skin, and was in general a mess.  In 2009, during my well woman exam, I hit a high of 275 pounds.  My NP suggested I look into bariatric surgery.  I had thought about it years before, but it was more because I wanted to be skinny.  Now, though, the thought of it was more about being around for my kids.  I went through the mandatory seminar, meetings, education, and on December 21, 2009, I had RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery.

The Journey

When I had my surgery, I had endured a ton of education, monitoring, and what seemed to me to be massive self-control.  The first months after surgery are a blur.  The weight was just falling off.  Within the first 8 months after surgery, I had lost 105 pounds.  I hit 170 for the first time in years.  I was enjoying life.  I was buying size 10 pants and Medium tops...things that I never ever dreamed I would ever wear.  I was no longer diabetic, not on prescription meds for medical conditions, my panic attacks had gone away, my depression was gone, I was feeling sexy and sassy.  And then my world fell apart......

I found out something that was going on my marriage that rocked my world.  The depression returned, panic attacks returned, and while I have been very active in my recovery community for my alcoholism, my food addiction kicked into high gear.  I learned quickly what slider foods I could eat and how much of them I could eat.  I found out I could drink diet soda without it killing me.  I figured out that I could eat red vines.  I started to sneak food again like I used to....and I started to regain.  After a few months of this, the relationship issues were exposed and worked through.  Our relationship started to heal, but the addiction had a firm grasp on me.  I started to struggle with "I dont want that, but I'll buy it anyways" and then "I have it so I have to eat it".  I started to not realize I even bought things just to find myself eating them and then throwing them away after making myself feel just totally ill.  All told, I have regained 30 pounds.

I started to reach out for help, realizing that I was in trouble.  My local support group just did not meet my needs, so I found some online groups that have been phenomenal support for me. I have joined in some challenges and have participated in some things that are designed to get me back to where I need to be, but the head struggle has still been there.

What I know

What I know is that I can no longer hide in my addiction to food and I cannot hide in my head.  I know what I need to do, and I just need to do it.  Sometimes change is uncomfortable, can be painful and scary.  But through change, God enables us to become the people we are truly meant to be.  I have had some very powerful lessons in the last few weeks that have really showed me the power of God, prayer, support, vulnerability, and friends.  I dont know where this blog is going to go, or where the journey is going to take me, but I do know that through the sharing of the struggles, comes a power that is greater than anything I can understand to overcome.  I have been told that if my story can affect only one person, even if that is me, then the sharing is is success.

Today....I declare that I am a success!

Blessings

Kyle