About Me

Well...I sit here tonight and have decided to give this blogging thing a try.  My life has been completely changed over the last few years since my surgery, and I think it is time to share my story.  My story is one of joy and sadness, ups and downs, triumphs and failure.  It has taken twists and turns that I never imagined it would, and today contains more hope then I ever dreamed it would.  I hope that through my sharing, others may also find hope in their journeys.

Some of the Basics

I am a 40's married mom of 4, grandmother of 4, daughter, sister, and friend.  I live in a semi-rural city in Northern Arizona, and am one of the few natives of my home town that have left and come back.  I have been married 3 times, divorced twice, moved several times, and finally feel like my family has settled.  I have an amazing career where I get to help others and, while it was not what I thought I would be doing when I was growing up, it is the most amazing and fulfilling job I think that I could do.

Pre-WLS

I have never known, in my entire life from early childhood on up, how to live a healthy life.  I was an overweight child, a severely overweight teen, and grew into an obese woman.  By the time I had my first child at age 19, I weighed 190 pounds.  My weight just went up from there.  I lived my life feeding my soul with food.  I am a food addict.  (Thats hard to write and not hit the delete button!).  

I grew up in a home with a mother who was very loving and nurturing, but a biological father who abandoned me before I was born and a step father who abused me as a teenager.  I have never had a positive self image or outlook of myself.  I was the kid that had the buck teeth, coke bottle bottom glasses and handmade clothes.  I was the kid that was clumsy and who was easily hurt.  I learned to lie to make myself seem like I was someone else just to try to make a friend.  I had no friends until I was in the 6th grade...and that friend became my friend out of pity because I had no friends and she felt like I needed one, which I desperately did.  I was the kid that walked into school, and had to look on her seat every morning to see if there was a tack on it.  I was the kid that was picked last for every single team thing.  

Food was my friend for many years.  It fed my soul, gave me something to do, and did for me what I could not do for myself.  I ate when I was sad, happy, lonely, bored.  Looking back it seems like I was somehow hardwired for obesity because I never had that "full" feeling, or "stop" button.  I think my mom had an idea that I had a problem, though.  She enrolled me in weight management programs and counseling, had me following the diets she would try, but her attempts to help me were met with the feelings of not being good enough and feeling less than.  It wasn't her fault, it just was what it was.

As a teenager, my world crumbled even more.  I became the victim of sexual abuse in my home.  I had no control and was being abused in a place where I had no way of getting out or getting help.  I lived in a country where it was acceptable (no...not the US, and I'm not going to share where as I don't want to start a firestorm).  Food was no longer enough for me and I found alcohol.  Alcohol became something that took away the pain, helped me not to remember what was going on, and gave me the courage to try to fit in with others.  I became an alcoholic.  I don't believe that I was born an alcoholic, but when I started to drink an alcoholic was born.  I drank because I loved the effect that was produced by alcohol.  I was 12 when I started to drink and it did not take long before I was doing whatever I needed to do to drink.  I didn't know that I was becoming alcoholic, I just knew that it was doing for me what nothing else could do.  

Upon returning to the US, the abuse stopped, but the feelings did not.  I drank more, got involved in other things, met people that were not good for me, and got in trouble.  I was in and out of abusive situations and in and out of trouble.  My mom didn't know what to do for me....no one knew what was going on in my head and my heart.  When I was 17, I attended my first 12 step meeting, and while I didn't sober up then, it was a start.  I met and married my first husband when I was 18 and had my first child shortly after.  That relationship ended due to his abuse and while I was in the process of my divorce, met my second husband.  I was remarried shortly after my divorce was final, and had 2 more children by the time I was 21.  I didn't drink until my last pregnancy but didn't believe that I was alcoholic and drank during my 3rd pregnancy.  It was during that pregnancy that I hit my bottom with alcohol and when I was 21, I got sober.  By the grace of God, I have stayed sober since then.

Once I sobered up, I didnt have alcohol to turn to anymore....so food became my solace again.  Over the course of my 2nd marriage which lasted 11 years, I continued to gain and lose weight through yo yo dieting.  I was in an abusive marriage, but continued to have blinders on because I was so entrenched in my food addictions.  After 11 years of this, I finished my BA in Psychology, and made the decision that I had to change my life.  I ended that marriage and started on a new path.  I got a new job (which I have today), moved from where I was living back to my home town, and started to get my world put back together.  I met my 3rd husband and we were married a year later.  Unfortunatley, even though most of my world was amazing, my food addiction-and my health-were out of control.

I had developed diabetes and my blood sugars were HORRIBLE.  I ended up on an insulin pump because I just could not manage my food.  With the addition of insulin, I gained 40 pounds in what seemed like nothing flat.  I developed high cholesterol, high blood pressure, I got boils all the time on my skin, and was in general a mess.  In 2009, during my well woman exam, I hit a high of 275 pounds.  My NP suggested I look into bariatric surgery.  I had thought about it years before, but it was more because I wanted to be skinny.  Now, though, the thought of it was more about being around for my kids.  I went through the mandatory seminar, meetings, education, and on December 21, 2009, I had RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery.

The Journey

When I had my surgery, I had endured a ton of education, monitoring, and what seemed to me to be massive self-control.  The first months after surgery are a blur.  The weight was just falling off.  Within the first 8 months after surgery, I had lost 105 pounds.  I hit 170 for the first time in years.  I was enjoying life.  I was buying size 10 pants and Medium tops...things that I never ever dreamed I would ever wear.  I was no longer diabetic, not on prescription meds for medical conditions, my panic attacks had gone away, my depression was gone, I was feeling sexy and sassy.  And then my world fell apart......

I found out something that was going on my marriage that rocked my world.  The depression returned, panic attacks returned, and while I have been very active in my recovery community for my alcoholism, my food addiction kicked into high gear.  I learned quickly what slider foods I could eat and how much of them I could eat.  I found out I could drink diet soda without it killing me.  I figured out that I could eat red vines.  I started to sneak food again like I used to....and I started to regain.  After a few months of this, the relationship issues were exposed and worked through.  Our relationship started to heal, but the addiction had a firm grasp on me.  I started to struggle with "I dont want that, but I'll buy it anyways" and then "I have it so I have to eat it".  I started to not realize I even bought things just to find myself eating them and then throwing them away after making myself feel just totally ill.  All told, I have regained 30 pounds.

I started to reach out for help, realizing that I was in trouble.  My local support group just did not meet my needs, so I found some online groups that have been phenomenal support for me. I have joined in some challenges and have participated in some things that are designed to get me back to where I need to be, but the head struggle has still been there.

What I know

What I know is that I can no longer hide in my addiction to food and I cannot hide in my head.  I know what I need to do, and I just need to do it.  Sometimes change is uncomfortable, can be painful and scary.  But through change, God enables us to become the people we are truly meant to be.  I have had some very powerful lessons in the last few weeks that have really showed me the power of God, prayer, support, vulnerability, and friends.  I dont know where this blog is going to go, or where the journey is going to take me, but I do know that through the sharing of the struggles, comes a power that is greater than anything I can understand to overcome.  I have been told that if my story can affect only one person, even if that is me, then the sharing is is success.

Today....I declare that I am a success!

Blessings

Kyle